I have always loved everything about Christmas:  The story behind it, the memories, the celebrations, the decorations, the music, get-togethers with family and friends, everything.  The excitement builds each day, and I'm thrilled by the warmth and joy of the holiday season.  This year, though, I feel like I am walking around with a cloud over my head.

Maybe it's that the weather has been so cold and dark already this year.  Maybe it's that I've been sick for weeks with a cold I can't shake.  Maybe it's worrying about money as I race around, trying to squeeze every last drop out of a smaller Christmas budget.  Maybe it's because everything around here seems to be falling apart at once (cars, electronics, plumbing).  Maybe it's the constant stress of parenting a teenager with multiple emotional/behavioral disorders, and never knowing if I'm doing the right thing to help him.  Maybe it's just that the world, as a whole, seems to be in a constant state of turmoil right now--just like my mind and my heart.

I so desperately need a ray of hope, a little bit of sunlight.  I watch all of these moments go by--moments that I know I should be enjoying whole-heartedly--and feel nothing except sadness and emptiness.  I lie awake at night, wanting something, but not knowing what that something could possibly be.

I've never experienced a holiday season that felt so dark.  I mourn for the happiness I expected.

Oh, I know--it could be so much worse.  It could be SO much worse.  I know.  And that makes me feel all the worse for feeling this way.  (Vicious cycle, no?)

I haven't yet figured out how I will crawl out from under all this weight, so for now, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and breathing in and out all day long, and hoping that time will fix the things I can't control.